I think I have more money than I do.

It’s a sort of weird thing and I really need to keep it in check every day.

My boots have holes in them, I need new boots but I don’t think I can afford new boots.
I think I can afford a motor bike and two seater side car.

I have no idea why I think this but I do.

In actual fact I know I could afford new boots, I just don’t think I can.

I KNOW I can’t afford a motorbike and two seater side car, I FEEL that I can’t afford it either but sometimes I find myself THINKING that I can.

I sometimes get in trouble in meetings because people will say things like “what do you feel about that?” and I will answer the question, whereas they really wanted to know what I ‘thought’ about something.

Seriously there is a difference.
If you were asked what you think about dentists it would be a different question to what you feel about dentists.
I think regular visits to the dentist are a great idea.
I feel regular visits to the dentist are intimidating and unpleasant.

My mind can’t stop separating the words out.
It can be a nightmare at dinner parties.

It is a thing I have about the meaning of words and understanding this helps me keep it in check.
We were rehearsing a show about Shostakovich once and the cast were made to say what they thought, what they felt and what they knew about a Soviet era Russia.
I started to apply the same thing to the news.
Turns out I think a lot about stuff, I feel a lot about stuff but I know next to nothing.

Being told something by the media is not the same as knowing it.
In the end I realised I could not stop.

However these elements of thinking, feeling and knowing all put together make up our beliefs.

I believe that thoughts and feelings, which are not necessarily based on any kind of evidence based research, make up much more of our belief system than we are led to believe.

The arrival of the Proles took my entire belief system and turned it upside down.
Half the time I don’t know what to think and I don’t know what is going on and I feel terrible.

Part of the exercise of the last few years has been about taking each day as it comes.
This is an over used expression that had lost all meaning to me through simple repetition.
Take each day as it comes.
Everyone says it but there is a fundamental ‘bottom of the barrel’ meaning that just means getting up when the day starts and getting from one end of it to the other.
Just get to the end of the day.
Try not to get hurt, try not to hurt anyone.
Those are the days that are ruled by the Proles and the clock for me.
It used to be, breakfast, play, snack, play, lunch, walk, snack, sleep, snack, play, dinner, bath, story, bed.
There may have been other things in there but for the most part I was oblivious.

I started work again of course and learned how to do that.
I learned the language you need in that new world but it used to feel very odd, like switching trains at 50 miles an hour and suddenly heading in the other direction.

All I knew was that to stop, to stop moving forward through the day, was probably the end.
Thinking about things too much slowed me down. Sometimes thinking about things would stop me totally.
Feeling stuff could and did de-rail me most days. The trick was to feel it coming and postpone it until a more convenient time, should there be one.

Go with what you know.

Times have changed a lot but I still feel there is a grain of something in there.

I think more, I feel more but I try hard to relate one to the other before I decide what I know, what the truth is.
I get it wrong every day but I try to keep chipping away.

Parenting by thinking too much won’t get you anywhere.
Parenting by feeling too much won’t get you anywhere.

The balance between the head and the heart is where the real knowledge is, it’s the only ‘truth’ we can truly know.

You know I won’t buy that Motorbike.
I’d like to think I will buy new boots soon.