Today I told the Proles we were staying at home for the festive season.

Prole2: Can I have lego for Christmas?

Prole1: Do the sperms only go in a verdigras?

Me: A verdigras?

Prole2: What’s a gerdigram?

Prole1: Not a gerdigram, a verdigras.

Me: What’s a verdigram?

Prole1: A verdigras, you know.

He stares at me like I am an idiot. I feel like an idiot so it’s clearly working.

Prole1: It’s what ladies have.

Me: Ah, yes, I don’t think that’s how it is pronounced.

Prole2: DAD! Tell me, I know this but tell me, I need you to be true. I know he isn’t. Is Farmer Christmas REAL?

Prole1: How do you pronounce it then?

Me: Well I think it’s pronounced “Father Christmas”

Prole1 + Prole2: DAD! Dad! Dadadadadad….

There is some confusion at this point with both of them talking at once.
I am ashamed and pleased in equal measure that I managed to keep the confusion going for some time.
The resolution was that Prole1 was given the correct pronunciation for that particular word and while I informed him that this was not the unique repository for ‘the sperms’ I managed to stop short of explaining the rudiments of onanism to him. That particular avenue of conversational joy remains unexplored for the time being.
Prole2 was harder to put off.

Me: But we  saw him in the shops, remember?

Prole2: That was just a man dressed up.

Me: Why was he dressed as Father Christmas? And why did he say all that stuff if he is not real?

Prole2: That man is a lying man.

Me: So you are saying that a complete stranger dresses up as Father Christmas and lies to you in the town centre and I get home and carry on that lie and sneak into your room pretending to be Father Christmas? I can’t do that, how would I fit down the chimney?

Prole2: You don’t come down the chimney.

Prole1: Where do all the presents come from then? In the stockings?

Me: Yes, thank you, a voice of reason.

Prole2 (slowly) I think our cousins do it.

Me: Do what?

Prole2: They put presents in our stockings.

Me: Your cousins do it?

Prole2 (warming to his theory) Yes, when we go round to their house.

Prole1: We won’t get any this year then, we are staying at home.

Prole2: DAD! I need to know. Is Farmer Christmas REAL?