It’s been a long weekend, lovely to see friends and family, party, sleepover, beach, cooking, cleaning, tears, joy, you get the picture.
This evening a young tomcat came into my kitchen, slapped my cat Lola and sprayed on the kitchen table leg.
Then he sat down and ‘looked’ at me.
I put a small bowl of cat biscuits outside the back door.
Whilst he was eating it I tipped a pot of my own urine over him.
I am cleaning the kitchen now but MY GOD I AM FEELING SMUG.
‘Looking’ at me.
A cat.
Perhaps I should get out more.

Tomorrow I will bleach the mat outside the back door.

Posting this sort of thing on facebook gets all sorts of responses, particularly at the office. I should be careful who I share it with I suppose

As I have said elsewhere, I am not really very proud of this paragraph in my life.

Just to be clear, in case the RSPCA are looking in.
The cat sat there staring round the room and occasionally ‘looking’ at me as if he owned the place and had identified that I was no threat to him and his new territory.
My cat watched from the top of the stairs.
I got up, really, really slowly and went into the back kitchen where I found a bowl for cat biscuits and a ‘container’ that I could ‘use’.
I ‘used’ the ‘container’ and came slowly back into the kitchen.

(From this moment on the adrenaline really kicked in and my internal monologue dropped down to a steady: “oh please let this work oh please let this work oh please let this work oh please let this work oh please let this work oh please let this work oh please don’t get the piss all over me oh please let this work oh please let this work” pretty much to the end)

I carefully balanced the container on the edge of the draining board, slight wobble, opened the back door and put the bowl of biscuits down.
Bit worried about getting past the cat to the ‘ammunition’ and wondered about the morals of making a “Here puss puss puss…” call to get him out but all good, no need to explore that emotional maze. He went straight over to the bowl and tucked in.

One step in through the door, reached for the ‘container’, slight wobble, turned back, nearly went over the bin, slight wobble, half a step forward and KAPOW!
“In Your FACE Tomcat! I may have to spend hours cleaning the kitchen and never quite get rid of the smell which will come back with every change of the weather and/or whenever anyone comes to visit but right now, RIGHT NOW I win.”